Home Sweet Home…and Other Lies We Tell Ourselves
Going “Home” Isn’t Neutral
(aka: why you suddenly feel like your 15-year-old self again)
You’ve done the work. You’ve set boundaries. You’ve found your voice. You’ve maybe even started putting your oxygen mask on first.
And then, you go home.
And within 24 hours (sometimes 24 minutes), you’re snapping, shutting down, over-explaining, people-pleasing, or feeling like a version of yourself you thought you outgrew years ago.
What the hell is that about?
Let’s normalize this right now: You are not failing. You are not back at square one. Your brain is doing exactly what it was wired to do.
Why You “Regress” Around Family
When you return to your family of origin, especially your childhood home, your brain and body aren’t just experiencing the present moment. They’re time traveling.
Your nervous system is scanning for familiar patterns, roles, and emotional cues it learned very early in life. These patterns were built when you were young, dependent, and figuring out how to stay safe, loved, and connected.
So your brain goes: “Ah. I know this place. I know these people. I know what to do here.”
And it pulls out the old playbook. Not because it’s helpful now. But because it worked then.
The Grand Canyon vs. The Forest
This is where one of my favorite metaphors comes in.
Your old patterns, the ones that show up with family, are like the Grand Canyon. The neural pathway is deep, grooved out and well-traveled. You don’t have to think about the pathway, your brain can just lean back and run on autopilot because you’ve been up and down that path thousands of times.
But your newer, healthier ways of responding; those are like walking into a forest for the first time. There’s no clear path. Branches are hitting your face. You aren’t totally sure where to step. This path takes effort, concentration, intention and a lot of repetition for it to become grooved out.
Here’s the important part to keep in mind - when you are tired, stressed, overwhelmed, or back in a familiar environment - your brain will default to the Grand Canyon pathways.
Not because you’ve regressed or haven’t made enough progress, but because that pathway is easier to access and doesn’t take as much thought.
Why It Feels So Frustrating
🧠 I talk about this a lot; when our stress response is activated, our logical brain goes offline. So it is really hard to logic your way out of these responses, while at the same time, you know that you have been able to respond differently.
You’ve practiced communicating differently. You’ve created space in your life that feels more aligned. You’ve experienced yourself as more grounded, more empowered, more you.
So when you find yourself slipping back into old dynamics, it can feel like:
“Why am I like this again?”
“I thought I worked through this.”
“Nothing has changed.”
It is easy to get down on yourself, so before you get sucked into that spiral know that something has changed.
You are more aware now. You can see the layers of the Grand Canyon and have experienced more of the Forest pathway. It sounds so cliche and I roll my own eyes saying it, but awareness is truly the beginning of something new.
Practicing the New Path (Even When It’s Hard)
Here’s how the change happens and starts to stick. Focus on practicing and just walking the new path. You do not need to be perfect, or get it ‘right,’ because - spoiler alert - you won’t.
1. Set realistic expectations
Going home is activating. Period.
If you expect yourself to be your most regulated, boundaried, fully evolved self at all times…you’re setting yourself up to feel like you’re failing.
So instead, try: “This is going to bring stuff up. That makes sense.”
2. Identify your “forest path” ahead of time
Ask yourself:
How do I want to respond in this situation?
What would honoring myself look like here?
What boundary might I need?
You don’t have to find the perfect way through the forest, you are just starting to explore the terrain and map out a path.
3. Expect to slip into the Grand Canyon
When we align our expectations closer to reality, and realize that going home is activating and might bring up old patterns, we can avoid the shame spiral.
So instead, when you end up back in the Canyon path, just notice it. Try saying to yourself: “Oh, there it is, that’s my old pattern.”
Awareness → pause → small shift.
That’s how new pathways get built and the forest path gets slightly more grooved out and that canyon path starts to slowly fill in.
4. Give yourself space + grace
This is legit hard work.
You’re trying to override patterns that were built over years, sometimes decades, often in environments where you had very little power. It makes sense that your nervous system goes back there, and it is often messy.
Integrating Who You are Now with Where You Came From
The goal isn’t to become a completely different person when you go home. The goal is integration. Bringing pieces of your current self into old spaces.
Maybe that looks like:
Pausing before responding instead of reacting immediately
Saying one small boundary instead of none
Taking a break when you feel overwhelmed
Letting yourself not engage in every dynamic
Small steps. Repeated over time. That’s how the forest path becomes a trail. And eventually, something your brain can choose more easily.
Putting Your Oxygen Mask on First (Even at Home)
This is one of the hardest places to do it, usually because these are the relationships where you first learned to put everyone else first.
So if you feel activated, exhausted, or like you’re slipping back into old roles…notice.
This is your cue, not to be perfect, but to come back to yourself. Take just a moment to try something different. Take a breath, wash your hands, step outside, or text a friend.
Remind yourself: I get to show up differently now.
You’re Not Starting Over
You’re practicing something new, in the exact place where the old patterns were created.
Of course it feels hard, but every time you choose, even slightly differently, you’re carving a new path.
And that matters more than getting it perfect ever will.
A Quick Heads Up
There’s something we don’t talk about enough: When you start changing, it can disrupt the entire system.
Families get used to certain roles and patterns, often ones you’ve been playing for years. So when you begin to show up differently by setting boundaries, speaking up, or not people-pleasing, it is not always met with kindness or understanding.
Sometimes it looks like pushback, guilt, defensiveness or subtle tension. This is not because you are doing something wrong. It is because you are doing something different.
This part can feel really uncomfortable, even threatening, in a system that is used to things staying the same. So, if you hear things like “you’ve changed,” or feel pressure to slip back into your old role, this is your reminder: Someone else’s discomfort with your growth does not mean you are doing something wrong.
You are allowed to evolve. You are allowed to take up space in new ways. And you are allowed to keep choosing the forest path, even when the people around you are more familiar with, and might try and pull you back down into, the Grand Canyon.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If you are ready for more support, I encourage you to check out an upcoming Chaos to Calm event (formerly the Emotional Reset). This is a space to pause, process, and regulate your nervous system in the midst of everything that is happening - with like minded women.
This event isn’t about venting or checking out - it is about helping you come back to yourself so you can keep showing up in the ways that matter most.
If this resonates - if you’re ready to start putting yourself first - you don’t have to do it alone. This is the work I do. You can explore my services or book a consultation when you’re ready.
Seriously, go put your oxygen mask on first.
