Put Yourself Fucking First (No, It’s Not Selfish)
Here’s a sentence that will make a lot of people uncomfortable: You need to put yourself first.
Not your kids. Not your partner. Not your job. Not the endless group chats, obligations, and invisible expectations. And not even your parents (if you are lucky enough to be in the sandwich generation).
You.
And before you immediately feel the urge to argue with me and say “that’s selfish,” “that’s not realistic,” “or that’s not how life works,” let’s talk about why that reaction exists in the first place.
You Were Never Taught How to Do This
Most women weren’t raised to center themselves. We were raised to be helpful, accommodating, easy, selfless, and ‘good.’
And then many of us became moms, or caregivers, or the emotional backbone of everyone around us, and those expectations didn’t just stay the same - they intensified.
Now, you are not just allowed to disappear in your own life, it’s expected.
So when you hear, “put yourself first,” your nervous system doesn’t interpret that as empowerment.
It interprets it as danger.
Let’s Be Clear: Self-Abandonment Is Not Love
Somewhere along the way, we started confusing love with sacrifice. But constantly putting yourself last isn’t love - it’s self-abandonment.
It looks like:
Ignoring your own needs until you’re exhausted or resentful
Saying yes when you mean no
Running on empty and calling it “just part of life”
Feeling like you’re disappearing but not knowing how to stop
And here’s the hard truth: The more you abandon yourself, the harder it becomes to actually show up for the people you love.
Not better. Not more selflessly. Just…more depleted.
“But the World Is Literally On Fire”
Yes. It is. You’re not imagining it.
You’re living in a time where:
The mental load is heavier than ever
Systems are failing families and women in very real ways
The messaging around your worth, your body, your choices is…confusing at best and harmful at worst
And underneath all of that?
There’s this subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) narrative: You don’t matter as much as you think you do.
So of course it feels hard, almost impossible, to prioritize yourself. Because you’re not just pushing against your own conditioning. You’re pushing against an entire culture that benefits when you stay:
Overextended
Self-doubting
Too busy taking care of everyone else to question anything
Putting Yourself First Is a Nervous System Shift
This isn’t just a mindset thing. It’s not about waking up tomorrow and suddenly becoming someone who says no effortlessly and takes bubble baths without guilt. Putting yourself first is a regulation practice.
Because when you start to:
Set boundaries
Take up space
Rest without earning it
Say “this matters to me”
Your body might respond with:
Anxiety
Guilt
Shame
Panic
Not because you’re doing something wrong. But because you’re doing something new.
This Isn’t Just for Moms
Yes, this conversation shows up loudly in motherhood, but I want to be very clear:
You don’t have to be a mom to feel like you’ve been pushed to the edges of your own life.
I see it in women who:
Want to be moms and can’t
Are choosing not to be moms
Are navigating fertility, loss, identity shifts
Are simply existing in a world that constantly asks them to shrink
The common thread isn’t motherhood, it’s being taught that your needs are negotiable.
So What Does “Putting Yourself First” Actually Look Like?
It’s not dramatic. It’s not all-or-nothing. And it’s definitely not selfish.
It’s small, consistent moments of choosing yourself:
Pausing before you automatically say yes
Asking “what do I need right now?” (and actually listening)
Letting something be good enough instead of perfect
Taking up space in conversations, decisions, relationships
Resting before you’re completely burned out
It’s not about becoming self-centered. It’s about becoming self-connected.
Here’s the Reframe I Want You to Hold Onto
Putting yourself first isn’t selfish - it’s how you stop disappearing.
It’s how you:
Stay connected to who you are
Show up with more capacity and less resentment
Break cycles that were handed to you without your consent
And maybe most importantly, it’s how you quietly, steadily push back against a world that would prefer you stay small.
If This Feels Hard…Good
Not because I want it to feel hard for you, but because difficulty here doesn’t mean failure.
It means you’re noticing. It means something in you is waking up and saying: “Wait…what about me?”
And that question? That’s where everything starts. You matter and you deserve to put yourself first.
If this resonates with you and you are feeling stretched thin, overwhelmed, or just ready to start putting yourself first, you don’t have to figure it out alone. This is the work I do, helping women actually put themselves first. You can explore my services or book a consultation call when you are ready.
Go put your oxygen mask on first. I mean it.
